When everything's made/ To be broken.

Not even a hangover can take away from the sheer relief of this being my last day at work.

Birds singing in the sycamore tree.

If you wait long enough, every damn thing in your life repeats itself, like some badly programmed loop.

Seven-odd years ago, I traded in a life of peace, calm and coolness for one of unimaginable stress, misplaced trust, and foolish optimism. To deal with the fallout of that particular walk in the clouds, I moved cities. Put time and distance between myself and my family and friends. Started afresh. Lost my way a couple of times, but, by and large, survived. And survived well. I'm pretty proud of that.

Now, just when I thought life had finally calmed down, storm warnings are going off again. Hello, stress. Hello, so many emotions I hoped to never encounter again. And (since someone up there has a sense of humour) hello, moving.

Life is weird.

Oh, baby/ When you talk like that.

Still trying (unsuccessfully) to balance the negativity of my current state of mind.

Things to be happy about: Set of five commercials approved at first shot. Out of current agency in less than a week. Started an Indiana Jones-type book called Seven Ancient Wonders. Drinking less. Back in touch with friends I've been neglecting for a bit. Going to move back with my folks, which is something I really, really need to do. Will be out of the sweltering Madras summer soon.

Er, that's it.

Could things be better? Yeah, sure. Worse? Don't even get me started!

So run, baby/ Run, baby/ Run, baby/ Run, baby/ Run.

Summer in Madras, and half a dozen other reasons to feel suicidal:

1. Rooney's broken his foot.

2. Chelsea's top of the League again.

3. I've got to pack up and move, which is quite a pain. And I have very, very mixed feelings about moving back to Bangalore.

4. Have hit rock bottom on enthusiasm/ cheerfulness/ optimism levels, and am quite convinced that life is f*ked up beyond redemption. And, yes, I'm aware of the meaning of the term 'beyond redemption'.

5. Writing is just not working. Not as an experiment. Not as a diversion. Not as anything.

6. Del died.

I realise that this is a staggeringly negative post. But that's just how I feel. I'm tired of being chipper and up and positive, when I feel like everything that's important to me is all over the goddamned place. And I don't see why I should pretend to be alright with my life, when I'm so clearly not.

Since I'm the world leader in kidding myself, perhaps I need to take a much-needed break and just stop. Stop ignoring stuff that gets to me. Stop being selective about reality. Stop sitting in my corner and waiting for things to get better.

I hate the idea of moving back to Bangalore. And I'm so, so tired of waiting for things to change.

There are just so many books to read, so many football matches to watch, so many things to throw yourself into. Can't do this self-distraction 24/ 7 any longer. It just takes too much out of me.