Tuesday, March 21, 2006

That I would be good/ Even if I did nothing.

Crazy thing, perspective. Makes you realise just how much time you spend on worthless stuff. And how scarily mixed up your priorities actually are.

Not that I'm conventionally mixed-up or confused, but I'm certainly in denial about many things in my life. (Which explains the excessive angst.) Maybe it's time to face the music after all. So, here goes.

Work is currently uninspiring. Makes me feel trapped, unappreciated, and irrelevant. Lack of great options have added, over the past year, to my legendary amounts of self-doubt. Currently, my best option offers me a smaller setup, a flatter structure, and, my personal favourite, newness.

Should I take it? Probably. Will I? Tough to say right now.

My writing life seems to have hit another roadblock. And, I'm quite clearly at a point where I need to do something, or lay this particular ghost to rest.

Solutions? There's no solution to laziness, so I obviously need to get to a point where writing is more important than not. Which means I have to find (discover/ invent/ whatever) something that simply must be written.

Whether it happens or not, that answer will always be important as hell. For it will be revisited, like all major, life-altering decisions, pretty damn often.

While on the subject of life-altering decisions, I look at my personal life. It's extremely conflicted, and for more than just one reason. One, I'm not in a relationship; I'm in the idea of one. Two, I'm fairly convinced the relationship-or-whatever-it-is won't work. Three, it's happening in a way that I know is wrong, not just in absolute terms, but also for everyone involved. Four, I'm at a stage where I value clarity as much as (if not more than) happiness.

Will anything change? Sure. (Working on the assumption that, eventually, everything does.) Will I survive? Doubly sure. Will I be happy? Unfair question, since the one truth is that I've been f*king unhappy for the past few months, and seem to be heading towards a very familar, very switched-off, very flying-solo kind of neutrality.

It's a lot of perspective to come by, true. But, hey, it's a hell of a life.

One last question: Where's my drink?


Anonymous said...

one drink coming up pronto.

beeeeenie said...

hmmmm...and so i asked for Angst , somehow i knew i wasnt the only one...whats the color of your parachute..??
drizzle and rain...your only popular with anorexia!!!
(have i said tooo much!!Tsk Tsk)
stumble,stumble,clomp,clomp...belive me if you feel like...i understand....phew!!

Anonymous said...

More than a drink, I think you need a whip. Mostly to whip yourselves. For holding on to things you know won't work out. For holding on to beliefs which you know are wrong.For holding on to old habits which you know die hard...

Lady Writer said...

Anonymous: Good advice. But knowing something and actually acting on it are such different things...

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